I have been struggling to write this blog for a couple of weeks. I haven’t really known how to put everything into coherent words. Long story short, we’re not going to be able to adopt the boys that led us on this journey. Here’s a little bit about that and what has been going on in my heart since finding out.

Almost 3 weeks ago, J received an email saying the boys’ social worker was not accepting anymore home studies. Meaning, she wouldn’t be accepting our home study that was finally complete. J emailed her to see if she would make an exception for us. After not hearing from her for a couple of days, I woke up and immediately started pleading with God for a word. Not from the social worker, but from Him. I desperately needed to hear from my Father. I was angry (which was my secondary emotion stemming from my hurt & confusion – thanks to my counseling degree I can identify my root emotions). I asked several key people to pray with me for a word from God. And He answered. About an hour after I emailed/text a few friends & prayer warriors, J received (and promptly forwarded to me) an email from the boys’ social worker. Without giving much detail, the boys’ behavior is much more aggressive than we initially thought. We were prepared for aggressiveness – that is normal in child abuse survivors. But we were not prepared for the severity the social worker described in this email.

My heart broke.

I was so torn. See, I desperately want to teach Jud and our future children what it really means to love the unlovely. I desperately want to show unconditional love to kids who have never known what love looks like. I did not want to be just one more person who gave up on these kids. But did I want that at the expense of the son that God has already entrusted to us? The son that already expects me to protect him & provide a safe place for him to live? After talking it over with friends & the hubs, we ultimately decided that we have to let these boys go from our hearts. I told a friend that God is way better than I am (duh!) because I just cannot sacrifice my only son so that others might know Him. She gently reminded me that Jesus had a choice & Jud wouldn’t have a choice. I am so thankful for good & wise friends. If you care about me (maybe even if you don’t), you’re probably wondering how we’re doing.

God has been so good to my heart.

I am continuously amazed at how God knows us and demonstrates love & care to us in the ways that we need. He knew exactly what my little extroverted heart would need. The morning we found out the news, I already had a playdate scheduled with a new friend here in Lafayette. Let me just take a time out to tell you a little bit about this new friend. She has been one of our #1 cheerleaders through the process from the moment she met me/found out (because they happened simultaneously). She has been a continuous source of love, support, & encouragement. And I cannot even express how much that has meant coming from someone that we have known for a little over 2 months. God is so so good to us. Side note over. So I literally got the email about an hour before Mandi & Saul arrived, just enough time to cry it out with my bestie, wipe away the tears, and put on a happy face.

Oh but how my God knows me.

Mandi cared enough to ask about the boys & if we knew anything new. And then was kind enough to allow me to pour my heart out. And one of my fears if we went forward was that people would stop hanging out with us because of the risk the boys would be to their kids. And sweet Mandi just looked at me and said, “I can’t speak for anyone else, but that won’t stop us from being friends. It just means we watch Saul a little closer when we’re over.” Wow. I would expect that from my best friends, but not from someone who barely knows me. Mind blowing. Seriously.

Then we already had scheduled for some of our best friends in NOLA to come up for an overnight visit that weekend. How refreshing for my soul. My friend & mentor spoke truth & peace to my weary soul. And in the midst of all my hurt & confusion, God reminded me of what He has called us to. He reminded me that He has called us to adopt through the foster system. He reminded me that He has called us to adopt a sibling group.

Then another friend gave me a song that she had been praying over us. Bethany Dillon’s, To Those Who Wait. If you haven’t heard it, you really need to and you can here. But here’s the part that resonated most with my heart:

Oh, my soul,
Wait upon the Lord.
Keep your lamp filled with oil.
Oh, my soul,
Be not deceived!
Wait for Him.
Don’t be quick to leave.

And so I woke up Monday morning feeling refreshed and having a renewed sense of our calling on this journey. A serious shout out is deserved for all of my super rad friends who did more than I could ever mention in a blog for me during those hard several days.

But then doubt and fear crept back in. (Thanks, stupid satan. I really do hate you. I really do wish you would just stop meddling. with everyone.) And all of the fear I had at the very beginning of this journey came flooding back. See, I hadn’t played this scenario out in my head. I wasn’t prepared for being hurt in this way. I wasn’t prepared for being the one to have to make the decision to walk away. Can my heart really handle this? Can my family really sustain this? God is this really you? If you called us to this, why is it not working out? What will people say? Will people laugh and say, “I told you so?” Doubt. Fear. Grumbling. Pride. Rinse. Repeat.

God proved how much He cares for & loves me once again. (when will I get this through my stupid stubborn head?)

I came across this blog written by Jon Acuff. Now I love Jon Acuff. But I honestly haven’t read his blog in a while. Something about the title struck me, though. And once again God reminded me of His call. God reminded me that this journey is about Him. God reminded me that Jesus went to the desert first. God reminded me that obedience isn’t easy. (Hey. I think I actually wrote that in a blog.) God reminded me that His grace is sufficient. God reminded me that His power is made perfect in my weakness. God reminded me that He is good.

Here’s to hoping these reminders stick this time. Cheers.