I hate staying by myself at night. Always have. I can vividly remember house sitting my senior year in high school and I called the cops because I might have heard a noise. But I’ve never had trouble getting to sleep. Until now.
For those of you who don’t know, the husband has been gone a lot lately trying to finish up his dissertation. So many many nights, it’s just been me and the boys. And those nights have been horrible because I haven’t been able to sleep. And mama likes her sleep. I, literally, will barricade myself inside: our huge couch shoved in front of the front door, chairs in front of the other 2 doors, & numerous baby things left in the path so I will be sure to know if an intruder is in our house. And I still can’t sleep. I quasi-sleep holding my phone open to the keypad in case I need to dial 911. I am constantly making escape plans in my head for me & the boys. I am constantly wondering how long it will take until someone realizes I’m gone & they come rescue my boys (I’ve played this scenario over and over in my head where I get attacked and my 2 kids are left here screaming for days without food, etc. Yes. I’m neurotic.). I haven’t always been this paranoid, though. I’m the girl that would go for a run down St. Charles in NOLA at midnight. By myself. Without thinking twice.
So I started asking where this fear was coming from. It’s always beneficial to be more self-aware, just not always a fun process. God started revealing to me that I don’t trust Him. But of course I trust you, Lord. Then why can’t you sleep? Why are you constantly asking Caleb’s social worker when bio mom’s rights will be terminated? Why are you barricading yourself in your home at night? Why are you solely relying on medicine to heal Scott?
You see. A lot of bad things happened to us last fall. My worst fears as a mom & as a daughter came to life. (Read here if you want to know about that.) My family was turned upside down while pursuing obedience to our Father. Our dog suffered a serious head injury. Our Jud-man was hurt. We were all physically & emotionally drained. My step-dad was diagnosed with stage iv colon cancer. Our car was broken into. Our sense of safety & security was robbed. And I began to doubt whether or not God really did care about me & those I care most about in this world. I began to doubt whether or not God truly loves me & the ones I love. And fear crept in.
More doubt. And more fear. Until I was so anxious I couldn’t sleep anymore.
Isn’t that how it always happens? Think about Adam & Eve in the Garden. Their fall began by doubting God. They became fearful that God didn’t really love them like He said He did. They became fearful that God was keeping His best from them. They doubted that God really cared about them. More doubt. More fear. Until they decided to eat an apple because they didn’t trust God anymore.
I was reading to Jud out of his Jesus Storybook Bible today. The story about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene. It was talking about how Jesus was about to take the punishment for everyone’s sin. And then I read this, “Violent sobs shook Jesus’ whole body. Then Jesus was quiet. Like a lamb. ‘I trust you, Papa,’ he said. ‘Whatever you say, I will do.”
and I began to weep. Because trusting God isn’t about trusting that nothing bad will ever come your way. That’s delusional. Trusting God is about knowing that even when bad things happen, God is still good. He is still in control. His name is still being declared. He still loves me. He still wants the best for me. And the best is Jesus.
And so I remember, like I have said before & like Paul wrote in Romans, our suffering this side of Heaven is nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed when we stand face to face with Jesus. The worst we could imagine could happen and we will still not be moved. I may not understand. I may not like it. I may get hurt. I may get angry. I may have doubts again. But for today, I choose to trust my Father.