, ,

Tomorrow, I turn 30. I don’t really want to talk about it. We’ll pretend I said 25 or something and go on with our days. Just whatever. Anyway. My birthday is tomorrow and whatever age I am or am not turning, I received quite the birthday gift this afternoon. 5 new additions to our family. We don’t know how long they will be with us but they are such a blessing.

As I was texting family & friends to tell them the news this afternoon, my anxiety level rose as the inner dialogue roared: What will people say? They’ll think we’re nuts. They won’t talk to us anymore because we’ll have 27 children like the Duggars. Oh no. Tomorrow’s my birthday & I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to talk Jason into dinner out now. Crap. We don’t have a vehicle large enough to haul everyone in. Oh H no. I cannot be caught dead driving a freaking church van. People will talk. Even more than they already do.

I very rarely share my inner dialogue because, as you can see, it is full of worry. Not about others. But about me. What people will think about me. My birthday. My image. My youth. And it makes me sick to replay it. But God. Oh man. He is so gracious to me. He gently reminds me who this is all about. And as I bathed 56 kids tonight. Because that’s really how many it felt like. And watched them scarf down Cane’s chicken fingers like it was the choicest steak. And giggled because they kept calling J my boyfriend & couldn’t figure out why he is white & C is black. And held them while I sang until they fell asleep. And watched their eyes glitter as they unfolded their brand new clothes. I held back tears. Because these are the best gifts I could have ever asked for. We are the lucky ones. Not them. Us. They remind me of how selfish I am. But also how gracious God is to us. They are changing us. Far more than we could ever change them. These are good gifts. These are the best gifts.

So Happy whatever Birthday to me. I will remember it forever.