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My heart is breaking tonight because I want Jud to have a happy birthday. And have a happy life. And have happy things happen to him always. My heart is breaking because he has already had to give up so much in his life. And we just added 2 kids to his already chaotic & very full birthday week. My heart is breaking because now he has to share mommy & daddy with 5 other kids now.

My heart is breaking because what I wish for him more than all the happiness in the world is brokenness for all the hurting people, for the least of these. I want for him to be kind and loving and compassionate and selfless. I want him to be like Jesus more than I want him to be happy. My heart is breaking because I know the cost of trying to be like Jesus.

My heart is breaking because with every fiber of my being I wanted to say ‘no’ this time. I asked J after a dear friend asked me to think about taking these lovely girls into our home. And I was sure he would say ‘no’ and that would be that. And, whatever you may think of my sometimes brass and always highly opinionated husband, you can never say that he does not love and care for the vulnerable. I was sure he would say, ‘no.’ We were sitting in the hospital lobby waiting on our youngest boy to come out of surgery, after all.

But he said, ‘yes.’

And then I was sure our home development worker who advocates for us would most definitely say, ‘no.’ She was just in my home hearing of all the surgeries and therapies and crazy days we had, after all.

And then she said, ‘yes.’

And I said, ‘Ok, God. Here we go again.’

And my heart is breaking tonight because we had to ask our dear boy to give up his room so these 2 darling girls would have a bed of their own to sleep in. On the eve of his 5th birthday. And my heart is breaking because he didn’t hesitate at all. And I’m not sure why I ever doubted that he would. He is the kid who frequently has imaginary friends who need a home for a little while, after all. My heart is breaking tonight because my darling 5 year old boy didn’t hesitate.

And my heart is breaking because I did.

Someone made the comment that I inspire them to be better. Dear people. I am not ashamed at all to admit that my sweet 5 year old boy is the one who inspired me to be more like Jesus today. To find compassion for the least of these even when it means giving up things that will make us happy.

Tonight, dear friends. On the eve of his 5th birthday, I do not wish happiness for my bright-eyed, beautiful boy. I wish for him to be kind and compassionate and loving. I wish for him to be like Jesus more than for him to find happiness.

And sometimes, that means giving up your bed for a stranger who desperately needs a place to sleep.

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