Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

I have so much stirring around in my heart and mind that I just had to put pen to paper to flesh it all out. I haven’t written in quite some time for several reasons. We’ve been extremely busy. Parenting alone for 8 weeks, packing, moving, adding a new kid, getting kids started at school. And those are just the big things. But I also haven’t written because I just didn’t know what to say. I needed to sit with all that has happened for a while.

 

For those who have been following along, you know J was unemployed for 18 months up until July. This job loss landed us in a small town in West Georgia and to a year of healing for our hearts. We fell in love with our new town and the more time that passed with no job on the horizon, we began to make plans to settle there. We loved our church. We loved our friends. I loved my job. We loved our life there. And then God answered our prayers for a job for J. Completely unexpected. I cannot tell you just how thrilled and devastated we were in that moment and in the days & weeks to come.

 

It’s funny how we can pray so hard & long for something and then when God finally brings forth provision, we want to scream, “BUT I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN THAT!” Maybe I’m the only brat. But that’s exactly what my heart felt. I wrestled with God. I couldn’t understand {and still don’t, honestly} how He could possibly think this was best. We wanted a job for J. BUT NOT THAT JOB. I mean, we’re practically in Canada, y’all. {Which could prove useful given the main party candidates this presidential election.} Please let me tell you exactly how to answer my request, Lord. You don’t really know what your doing. Here, let me help you.
The state of my heart is so ugly, you guys {I’m trying to embrace the North}. Like I’ve said before, God has to drag me kicking & screaming sometimes. But one thing I have learned, it’s always for my best. And my best absolutely does not equal the picture perfect American dream. What a lazy faith I would have were it so! I have learned that Jesus is better, y’all. I thought I knew this before the last few years. But I am serious when I tell you, He really is better. He is better than heartache and death and brokenness and raging kids and food stamps and accolades and success and opinions of man and cold weather and stability. He is so much better. And I needed to really deeply know this in the core of my being in order to walk through some of these days with our new little man.
The last few weeks have been incredibly difficult. Those who know our journey intimately know just how difficult some days have been and these days have been exponentially harder. We are heartbroken and frustrated and tired and embarrassed and weaker than we thought we were. I thought I was pretty strong and brave after walking through actual hell the past few years. Turns out, I’m not. And these days are even more hellish. But it’s in these moments when I realize my own limitations that I also realize how limitless our Father is. As I was sitting on the floor last night staring down the demons that torture our sweet boy, I just started claiming the victory that Christ has already won over the powers of hell. Some days, that’s all I know to do. That and cling to the promise that Jesus is so much better.

Advertisements